Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
