his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
