we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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