sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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