Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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