Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
