it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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