i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
sex in a hospital.. check
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
