I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
