dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
