so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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