Already got asked if we're dating
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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