I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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