i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
