I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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