He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
