Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Randomize
