Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
