Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's shark week go big or go home
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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