My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
