Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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