She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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