nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
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