He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
