I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
