Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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