Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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