i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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