my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
