ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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