everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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