Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
