3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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