Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
