i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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