just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
