Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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