I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
