I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
