maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
