can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
