i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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