Will you blow on my dice?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
