im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
