Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
