I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
