i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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