he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I met the friendliest cop last night
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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