he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize
