I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
