I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Randomize
