dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
